As the ARL and News Ltd drift further apart from the hatefest that was their dominion, we celebrate that hatred and its lasting toxic effect on Rugby League in this year's season preview by invoking the movie, Stepbrothers. Starring Will Ferrel and John. C. Reilly, the flick is about two 40 year old single men living with their respective divorced parents. The rivalry begins when their parents meet, and marry, forcing 'Dale' and 'Brennan' to live together. Much like the 'end' of the Super League war when the ARL and News Limited were forced to share ownership of the Greatest Game of All.
Written by resident Eels fans - M. Pritcho.
Dale Doback: Okay, here's the shot out of the cannon: Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife. You gotta f#ck one, marry one, kill one, go!
The fullback position for NSW Origin team will be hotly contested. Jarryd Hayne appears to have the inside running after his display in Game 3 2010, but dynamic youngster Josh Dugan and Kurt Gidley will also be in the reckoning.
Dale Doback: [as they are called back into the office for their first interview] We're here to f#ck shit up!
The Melbourne Storm will be out to reclaim their standing as the benchmark of the competition. Their magnificent core of Slater, Cronk and Smith (all evil Queenslanders by the way) will ensure the team remains motivated to destroy all comers as they seek redemption.
Brennan Huff: I'm going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the sh!t out of you!
One of the funniest lines of the movie. There seems to be an exodus of the old larakins from the NRL. Brett Finch and Willie Mason – you will be missed.
Derek: So, what do we do now?
Brennan Huff: We could hug?
Derek: Yeah, you'd like that, you ******!... I'm sorry, I'm new to this.
Many rumours concerning Ivan Henjak’s relationship with senior Broncos players surfaced last year. Israel Folau and Karmichael Hunt’s defections to AFL were seen by many as proof of an uncomfortable environment up north. It appears an uneasy alliance between coach and players. A fit Lockyer and Hodges will restore Bronco success and have them challenging for another title.
Brennan Huff: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the b*lls, Gardocki!
Not sure anyone will have the guts to say to Carl Webb’s face what the rest of the NRL fan base is saying behind his back. Good luck Carlos!! Here’s hoping you have a monster year.
Dale Doback: [after hearing Brennan sing] You have the voice of an angel. Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.
After a premiership, world cup victory and early career interrupted by injury, the NRL community saw the coming out party of Benji Marshall. A delight to watch and clearly the best in the world at the moment. No other player in the world can make opposing fans shake their head in disbelief as often as this man. He claims he is fitter and faster than ever before. If Benji can continue his injury free run, 2011 may well be his best.
Brennan Huff: I have a belly full of white dog crap in me, and now you lay this sh!t on me?
North Qld had a disastrous 2010 campaign and an even worse time dealing with accusations of match fixing. Can things get any better for the Cowboys in 2011?? My bet is with a healthy Thurston leading the way, things surely cannot get any worse.
Dale Doback: [Brennan is burying Dale in the garden] But I'm still alive!
Brennan Huff: You're waking the neighbors! Shut up!
They have been the most consistent and successful side for the last two seasons, culminating in a magnificent and deserved premiership. They are still the most boring side in the history of the NRL. Thanks for helping many people get over their issues with insomnia, Saints.
Dale Doback: I manage a baseball team.
Nancy Huff: Oh, little league?
Dale Doback: Fantasy league.
Aside from joining the club just as they surged to the 2009 Grand Final, Paul Osborne hasn’t exactly filled blue and gold hearts with confidence. 2011 recruitment decisions are a little baffling considering some of the names that have moved on. Still need a hooker and halfback Ossie!!
Dale Doback: You and your mom are hilbillies. This is a house of learned doctors.
Brennan Huff: You're not a doctor... you're a big, fat, curly-headed f**k!
How will Greg Inglis “FIT” in at Souths?? The pre season photos have not been flattering to the big fella. Souths fans can rest easy knowing that when the big games come around, GI is at his best. Now, if Souths can only figure out how to be involved in a big game we might have something here….
Brennan Huff: This house is a f***ing prison!
Dale Doback: On Planet Bullsh*t!
Brennan Huff: In the galaxy of This S*cks Camel D*cks!
Rough year for the Sharkies in 2010. They were terrible on the field, had instability in the coaching ranks and watched their former son Greg Bird resurrect his career with the Titans. Not exactly the most envied destination for potential recruits. Nathan Gardiner was fun to watch and the beaches are nice I suppose. Heres hoping that Jeremy Smith and Shane Flanagan can join Paul Gallen in turning things around down at the shire.
Brennan Huff: I swear, I'm so p*ssed off at my mom. As soon as she's of age, I'm putting her in a home.
Time to go Mr Gallop. Your short sightedness around major issues such as the salary cap have seen some of our best athletes and drawcards jump the sporting fence to AFL and Rugby union. Your continual stance that the next TV deal will solve all our problems has one questioning how the NRL got screwed over at the last round of negotiations. Great product, supreme athletes but terrible administration. While we’re on it, enough of the budgie smugglers down at Clovelly. Have you no shame sir??
Dale Doback: Brennan you're alive! Oh my God!
Brennan Huff: I know. I'm alive.
Dale Doback: You were dead. I saw you die.
Brennan Huff: I was faking. I used ninja focus to slow my heart rate down.
After a disastrous 2009, the Todd Carney inspired Roosters rebounded in a huge way and marched into the first week of October. Entertaining, unpredictable and fun to watch the Roosters should be there when the whips are cracking come finals time in 2011.
Brennan Huff: I'm not gonna call him Dad.
Nancy Huff: Brennan, you're 39 years old. I wouldn't expect you to call him Dad.
Brennan Huff: Well I'm not going to, *ever*! Even if there's a fire!
The elder statesmen in the game are still going strong. Petero, Hindy and The Black Prince Darren Lockyer have huge miles on their odometers, but continue to excel and show the young pups a few things about consistency.
Brennan Huff: I love you.
Denise: Obviously you don't know me.
Brennan Huff: I love you so much.
Denise: Thank you. And I will take that as a feeling that you have of comfortibility with me.
Brennan Huff: It's more that comfortability. I f**kin' love you.
Denise: Okay I think that...
Brennan Huff: I'm just thinking about our new life together. It feels like I'm walking on a cloud. My p*nis is tingling right now.
Denise: That is so off-putting.
Brennan Huff: You're not feeling this?
Denise: In no way, shape, or form do I feel any feelings of intimacy towards you in any way whatsoever.
Very strange dynamic between the Roosters and their captain, Braith Anasta. He obviously wants to continue playing there but not sure that they are too interested in keeping him around. Interesting to see how this plays out, with Braith seeking a new contract.
Brennan Huff: [in his therapist's fantasy] I've traveled five hundred miles to give my seed.
Souths’ George Burgess, enjoy your contiki tour, big man.
Dale Doback: [while Brennan is singing] Boats and hoes!
Roosters dynamic duo, Mitchell Pearce and Todd Carney are the great white hopes for a NSW origin revival. Hopefully the blues campaign doesn’t wash up on the rocks.
Randy: [to Brennan] I don't know what it is about your face, [holds up fist] but I just wanna deliver one of these right in your suck hole.
Billy Slater – you are a great player. But I hate you so much!!!
Brennan Huff: Listen, I know that we started out as foe. But after that courageous act that you showed me against the one they call Derek, maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale.
Dale Doback: I would follow you into the mists of Avalon if that's what you mean.
Supercoach Wayne Bennett, whose players absolutely adore him. Winning comps with Lockyer, Langer Tallis and Lazarus is one thing. But dragging a perpetually under-achieving squad to their first premiership in 30 years was a magnificent achievement. Clearly the best coach there was, is or will ever be.
Derek: I am the VP of the biggest executive helicopter leasing company on the western seaboard. I haven't had a carb since 2004. Check these out. [Points to ab muscles] See these? See these boys? This is what I live with, every day. I lather this up with Kiehls in the shower. You want to touch this sh*t?
Dale Doback: No.
Derek: You want to touch these bad boys? Sorry, not gonna happen.
Always a breeding ground for great young footballers, the Raiders were arguably a doggone Terry Campese injury away from a preliminary final last season. Whilst Campo is out for the opening few months of 2011, the Raiders will rely heavily on young pups Dugan, Croker and an enormous forward pack to carry them in 2011. Old dog Matty Orford is back from the UK to steer the team around the park. If they can avoid the scavengers from Sydney and Brisbane and keep the core of this team together, something special is inevitable in this kennel.
Dale Doback: What is your problem, man?
Derek: My problem? I don't know. I don't have a problem, uh, Dale. In fact, I have the opposite of a problem. I made over 550K last year. How much did you make?
Dale Doback: It's not about money.
Derek: It's not about money? Well, for me, it's a little about money, and I made *that* much money last year.
Even though its been a few years since his departure from the NRL, the spectre of Sonny Bill’s enormous shadow is casting itself over the game once again. With the Rugby World cup to be contested in 2011, Sonny has been linked to a few NRL clubs already. Not sure the game has enough cash for a man who has a toilet named after him.
Dale Doback: Why are you so sweaty?
Brennan Huff: I was watching Cops.
Now that his legal problems are behind him, we are predicting a huge year for Manly’s custodian Brett Stewart. If he can remain injury free, we look forward to seeing one of the true superstars of the NRL at his best.
Dale Doback: We're in the bathroom!
Alice: This'll just take a minute. There's really little you can do about it. Let me just hop on.
[suddenly opens his pants and mounts him against the wall]
Dale Doback: It's all slippery!
Whilst making the finals and finishing the home and away season in second was quite an achievement, the Panthers were manhandled in their 2 semi finals. Another exciting year for the men from the mountains although their reliance on kicks to score points needs to be addressed. Big year for Michael Jennings as he seeks to cement himself as a representative star.
Dale Doback: Is my dad upset about the stuff that happened?
Nancy Huff: Robert was very upset, yes. He knows that you interviewed as a team. And he heard about the fart.
Brennan Huff: Oh, he did?
Nancy Huff: Yeah. You just couldn't hold it, or you...?
Dale Doback: No. I thought it was gonna be silent.
Brennan Huff: It was not silent.
Dale Doback: It just kept going, and it made a sound. It was embarrassing.
Brennan Huff: It got louder. It got louder.
Hopefully we see less of referee impacted outcomes this season. What began as an embarrassing display form the officials, continued on throughout the season and into the Grand Final (the Morris touchline incident and Anasta try were diabolical). It didn’t matter whether there was one ref, two refs or 37 refs – the mistakes kept piling up. With Bill Harrigan assuming the referee’s coach role, we will either see a huge improvement or a huge increase in the cap size of our whistleblowers. The less we read about the men in pink, the better.
Randy: Pow!
One of the funniest sequences in the movie goes to the Fox sports commentary team. Laurie Daley and Gorden Tallis were both great players, but honestly have no idea what they are talking about. Probably an improvement on the days of Marion Fenech, Brett Kenny and Steve Roach. Now that was high comedy. The current crew are just annoying.
Dr. Robert Doback: Rock the f*ck out of those drums, Dale!
After a very disappointing 2010, the Bulldogs look primed for a tilt at the title. An excellent recruiting drive has seen the acquisition of a fine young halfback in Trent Hodkinson to fill the void created by Brett Kimmorley’s retirement. Kris Keating will add some spark around the ruck and Frank Pritchard will provide some punch on the edges. Young giant Jamal Idris appears to have come into camp in good shape and looks ready to realise his enormous potential. Good things in store for dogs fans this year.
Just quietly, we bid a fond farewell to one of the most under rated players in league history. Brett Kimmorley finished up a fantastic career which saw him represent his state and country and win a premiership. His most outstanding achievement was forcing the great Andrew Johns into a bench role for NSW. Happy trails Noddy.
Alice: Stay golden, Ponyboy.
Speaking of underrated, when will the Titans and Scotty Prince get some respect? They have continued to improve over the last few seasons and made a preliminary final appearance in 2010. With Scotty Prince at the controls, this squad will be around come September despite their outrageously long odd to claim the crown ($21). We don’t condone gambling, but worth a few quid.
Derek: Brennan has a man-gina!
Big season for one of the so called “soft” players this year. Justin Poore needs to show that he was worth the cash the Eels threw his way. His form was erratic last season but not deserving of the abuse he received. With the Eels struggling for options in attack, Frank the Tank will be needed early and often to provide the go forward (as Robson and Mortimer will need all the time and space they can get)
Brennan Huff: [mowing lawn, dressed as Nazi] Hey Derek, sprechen sie d*ck?
Refreshing that the best Rugby League team in the world is from off shore. Kiwis will look to build on Four Nations success against the Aussies this year. Led by Benji and our saviour, Mr Kearney, perhaps the Aussies only hope is to roll out the Qld team one through seventeen.
